I need to explain my title before i go on. ‘A Fighter’s Confession’. I chose that title as I wanted this journal to be one of hope and a confirmation that I can keep going on. One of my greatest passions is boxing, it has given so much to me. Without it I would never have met the woman i love, without it i would never have come out of my shell to find friends who are as close as family and without it I don’t have a hope of recovering from my addiction.
Porn addiction to my mind is as crippling, insidious and toxic as any other addiction. Drugs and Alcohol are the ones that come to mind when the word addiction appears but never porn. I’m not going to attempt to try and convince you of the reality of porn addiction by citing statistics or anecdotal evidence but simply document my experiences and my recovery.
In the same way one person may be content with one drink, one joint its entirely possible to be content with one porn video. Millions of us do it every night, if we’re alone feeling a bit horny we have the perfect resource for us right there. Hundreds of thousands of videos, websites, webcams all available for us at a click of button. Any kink or any desire instantly fulfilled. We have a wank, or a few, and go to sleep happy thinking no more of it the next day.
Indeed that was the way it was for me when I started. When i first watched porn at the age of 12 it seemed like i was in seventh heaven. This whole new exciting world where I can explore and experience things which had been forbidden before. It started off like I imagine it does with most people. A fairly vanilla video which you wank to and then off to sleep. And indeed for the next three years thats the way it happened. Yet little by little the videos got more and more extreme without you noticing. Now its not enough to simply be PIV (penis in vagina), there needs to be more going on. You become numb to what you watched previously and now you need a little bit more to get that previous fix. More partners, more toys, more humiliating degrading and extreme porn. The porn now had to be rougher and more violent. But the violence was not against the woman in my case but the man. This was the way in which i justified it to myself. ‘How can what i be watching degrading or insulting to women as its videos of women dominating men’. And so thats the way it developed. Searching for videos of women dominating men. Though I was too young and stupid to realise the damage it was doing to me mentally.
By the age of 15, it was no longer enough to simply watch pornography I i had to be part of it. Thats when i made the terrible decision to start camming. Every Friday and Saturday evening I would sneak down onto the family computer and at midnight I would turn on the computer strip down to my boxers login to the webcam site Cam4, set up my room and started performing in front of the webcam in the computer. I set my room up and gave my ‘room’ titles such as ‘I’ll do whatever you ask no limits’ or words to that effect.. From the age of 15 i was broadcasting myself from my family computer to an audience of hundreds. I was immersed in a world which I was not prepared for.
When i first did it it was so exciting the idea that hundreds of people could watch and comment was intoxicating. It was exacerbated by the fact that all the comments were praiseworthy, saying how big my cock was or nice my arse was and how fuckable i was. The fact that in real life at school I was unpopular made this all the more worse as here was a place i could go to where I was adored it made the addiction all the more worse.
Here was a place i could go to where I was adored and complimented, needless to say this made the addiction all the more worse. However as to be expected this wasn’t enough for me.
When I started I hid my face and only showed my lower half. However to get more views I showed the rest of myself. Now my face was forever exposed with the rest of my body online. Few people questioned my age and were happy to simply believe when I told them I was 16. And so I continued. I continued to wank myself on cam, fuck myself with my fingers, insert things into myself without lubricant, anything the viewers wanted.
The present of my own laptop made this all worse. As now i had practically unlimited access to Cam4. Things now progressed. I made a Skype account with the same username and posted that in my Cam4 room offering the viewers 1-1 experiences with me. In case it wasn’t clear before I was free to use and enjoy.
These 1-1 experiences are still vivid in my mind. One of my first was an elderly man encouraging me as i came for him. Another was a german woman who asked me to eat my own waste which i pretended to do. A 45 year old woman from the USA was the first person who began to groom me. Though knowing I was 15 she still used me as an object of pleasure on camera.
This was the beginning of my addiction.